Slacks Diary 3

Slacks Diary – July 31st

by Ranger Extreme

Dearest Diary,

It was a busy Weekend it was for me. Friday Night I actually did some of the tasks described in my Job description and began a foreign process to me called hiring someone that might actually benefit the team. After hearing that Pavelous Brendl came in 10lbs overweight from eating way to much Spanish food it dawned on me I think we might need a a new strength and conditioning coach. This was something so pressing and important I waited until the following day.

With list in hand I interviewed almost 20 people for the job over the cellphone from the golf course on Saturday. The 19 who didn’t make it were all qualified in my eyes but didn’t have some the perks that the man I eventually hired could bring to the table. The 19 runner-ups were:

Mindy Cohen
Foster Brooks
Walter Hudson
Sid Fernandez
Louie Anderson
Della Reese
Sebastian Cabot
Dinty Moore
Bill Madlock
Leslie West
3 members of the cast “Whats Happening” – Mabel King, Shirley Hemphill and Fred Berry.
Gorilla Monsoon
Cass Elliot
Buddy Hackett
Chef BoyArDee
Mason Reese
Star Jones.

Do to process of a elimination and being informed by my well chiseled Caddie that 6 of the 19 canidates for the position were deceased I wittled My list down to 13. As I sat there in my golfcart sipping a Singapore Sling and pondering the 13 remaining candidates, I realized after 5 seconds of frustrating brainracking in combination with the advisement once again by my hunky Caddie Mark Puttenick, that both Dinty Moore and Chef Boy ArDee were indeed fictional characters and not real people. I swiftly omitted them from contention.

Now I had my shortlist. That’s when the idea struck me diary! Why not hire MY caddie. He surely knows how to keep my Clubs in good shape so why not my million dollar players! Sometimes I am so shrewd I scare myself. I couldn’t wait to show Putty off so we finished the back Nine early and headed to my estate for the ”Summer Of Nothing BBQ” I had planned to host.

The BBQ was a smashing success, People laughed. (Every NHL GM in attendance, George Mcphee, Jaromir Jagr, Craig Patrick). People cried. (Me, Low, Kyle, Donnie, Renney) People fought. (Milbury, Wang).

Speaking of the latter couple, Both of them are incorrigible diary. Wang kept hitting Iron Mike over the head with 2 rolled up unsigned contracts that I am supposing were for Mike Peca and Alexei Yashin. Wang kept yelling in Cantonese the words Diu Lee in Mikeys face. I am no international linguist or a competent NHL GM for that matter, but I know for sure that doesn’t mean, “good job Mike” In Chinese. All in all diary a good time was had by all. I even raised some bridge money for the wifey and me by charging 5 bucks a head.

Sunday unfortunately I also had to play GM for a little while and have a heart to heart with Theo. We needed to talk one on one and par take in an intense sit-down to discuss his off ice problems. What better place to do this then his golf tournament that he holds annually in Alberta? What better forum to chitchat over his NHL career possibly being in jeopardy then sitting in a golfcart at a charity golf tourney at the Pine Brook Country Club? All my best Non-Work is done at these things so it made perfect sense to me. Plus the biggest bonus of all is I don’t have to fly all the way to N.Y, I can stay here in Alberta and do my job as NYR President and GM.

Shortly after I got done shaking hands with Theo, he began boring me with the details of his substance abuse so I quickly peddled him off to the press while I took a quick siesta in the golf cart.

After the tournament and the much needed nap I blew Theo off and headed straight to Mark Puttenicks house to inform he had won the Coaching job. He was ecstatic to be working for me but when I told him he would still be paid on caddie salary he seemed to quiet down a lot. I then headed back to Stately Slacks Manor.

Once home I kicked back and yet again became idiotically content in the fact that I am doing the best job I can do for the fans back in the Big Krapple. For once Diary things are going Slacksy’s way. When that dreaded day finally comes when I am forced out my Alberta exile and have to go back to N.Y because of that annoying 2001-2001 NYR season I will indeed arrive with my empty head held high.

Plus I can’t wait to show all my golfing buddies in Westchester my biggest “Summer Of Nothing” acquisition the newly hired Strength Coach/ Caddie Mark Puttenick.

Puttenick… hmm… his last name even sounds like golf!


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